Clyde's Declassified Guide to Picking Up Chicks
by damn expensive eggs
Summary: Feast your eyes upon the very beast that mastered the anatomy and functionality of the female psyche! Delve into my vast knowledge of picking up chicks - and maybe dudes - with ease and flawless strategy. Suck on that, Craig. hiatus!
1. Introduction

**_Clyde's Declassified Guide to Picking Up Chicks_**

Welcome, gentlemen, aliens, superheroes, villains, inferior insects and newcomers alike! And ladies. In which case you should give me your number. Anyhow, I suppose you're here because you're experiencing a crucial issue in your life. Oh, don't worry, reader. I was like you once. Ignorant and unfortunate, never got to see the light of a lady's smile until I smoothly obtained a sexy pair o' Prada heels for her elegant feet. Those heels will clack on the very floor you worship her highness on. Cover those feet up with something _nice_.

I'm writing this guide for a plethora (I learned that word from Craig) of reasons. First of all, it all started when the Craig I mentioned prior to this sentence seemed to show symptoms of Chicklessitis. Blink and read again, that doesn't say "chicken tits." If you're not familiar with this disease, allow me to define it for you:

_chick - less - i -tis: _**(noun)** A disease in which the brain is incapable of talking to, seducing, and/or thinking about chicks. The name derives from the English term for "lack of chicks."

This disease is quite common in people like Craig. He also seems to have some sort of emotionless syndrome, but I haven't the degree to diagnose him with such things. However, I'm pretty sure he does because he didn't cry during _Toy Story 3. _What a jerk.

This guide is dedicated to him. When this gets published and awarded countless prizes, the press will be like, "Mr. Donovan, who is this Craig person?" And I'll be like, "Oh, he's my bro. Before my book, he didn't even know how to _look _at a chick right. Now he wakes up surrounded by them. _Hollaaa!"_

Every time I walk off stage I'll do the Nixon peace sign thing and say, "_Hollaaa!"_ and it'll be my signature thing. It'll be on T-shirts and stuff. I expect you to buy them when the time comes, reader.

Not only is this dedicated to Craig, but also for the fellows out there who are in dire need of this guide. I'd be selfish to keep all this knowledge to myself, wouldn't I? I've been called selfish before, but I resent that. A lot. All I do is give! And I'm giving even more now! I am giving the sweet, invaluable gift of _knowledge!_

I go on the Internet a lot and see some things I shouldn't see. But, like, there was this one clip I saw, I can't remember what it's from, but it was in an Irish accent so I thought it sounded pretty snazzy. Anyway, there was this wise Irishman and he said, "There's only one thing ladies should be insertin' in themselves. And that's knowledge."

With great knowledge, comes great responsibility.

Wait, wasn't it power?

_Knowledge is power!_

... I'm getting my slogans mixed up.

But I'm still pretty sure knowledge is power. So, with the knowledge of Pickingupchicksism, you will be a whole new guy by the end of this guide.

Unless you're a girl. In which case you should still give me your number.


	2. Tip 1: Swag n' Sup

_Tip 1: Swag n' Sup_

You may think this is a bit ridiculous for a first tip, but trust me. You have no idea about the importance of the Swag n' Sup. Which is why I am about to enlighten you on this vastly significant... subject. I wasn't sure if significant was the right word to use because it sounds like extinguishment and I'm pretty sure that has nothing to do with swag.

Anyway, _swag_ is a significant part of picking up chicks. We've established this. I mean, think about it. You're in a school hallway and there's a group of cute cheerleaders to your right, deeply indulged in a conversation about _Glee_. They aren't going to notice you if you walk by like you're trying to pick your nose behind your hand. That ain't swag.

When you walk by that group of chicks, make sure to make eye contact with _at least_ one of them. This leaves you a challenge to hit two birds with one stone. You gotta sloooowwww dooowwwnnn. Mother nature's gift of natural pace? Screw it. Pretend you're walking away from an explosion. Flip your hair if you have enough of it (on another note, ladies have seemingly been setting an all time high for preferring long hair, but hair is a completely different chapter). If you do one of those "sup" nods, one of them is bound to "sup" back at you.

BUT YOU DO _NOT_!

UNDER ANY _CIRCUMSTANCES_!

GO BEYOND THE _SUP! _

I've witnessed with my own two oglers a fellow bro go beyond the "sup." He supped at someone, and she supped back, and _because_ he was so excited about earning a sup, he went up to her and asked her, "sup."

THAT IS AN ACT OF UNADULTERATED REDUNDANCE! When you sup at someone, and they sup back, END OF CONVERSATION. Why would you _re-ask_ sup?

The guy who double supped could have very well earned the nickname "Supper." As in, supper for those who hunger for the weak and inexperienced. But, the nickname didn't stick as he already had quite a notorious nickname.

This guide is declassified, _and_ mine, so I reserve the right to go off-topic: who could have been "Supper" still walks around being called "Wrong Hole."

There's only so many experiences you can have to earn that nickname.

And it ain't golf.

Subject transition. People might tell you not to use those "lame" pick-up lines, but I'm here to tell you not to listen to those douches. Pick-up lines are the _key. _They are the definition of swag. You ask a chick if there's a mirror in her pocket because you can see yourself in her pants, you're guaranteed at least a kiss on the cheek and a cordial invitation to Panera Bread to share a bowl creamy-ass mac and cheese.

But of course, last time I used a pick-up line ("Did you fart? Because you just blew me away."), the lady _did_ give me a chance, but on our first date, she stood me up, and I later found out it was because she needed a nap and a sandwich. I'm all for naps and sandwiches, but we could have at least napped and sandwiched together.

* * *

_"Clyde, this is ridiculous. Idiots with a lower intelligence quotient than you even know that all pick-up lines earn you are a bitch slap and an angry girl."_

_"Well, Craig, who's writing the guide here, me or you?"_

_"You, but I'm afraid this is quite dangerous. Anyone who follows your advice is bound to land themselves in Somalia, girlfriendless and sobbing into a shit-stained rag."_

_"You better take that back, Señor Peru. This is for the greater good."_

_"Anyone who follows this is going to have relationship issues for the rest of their life."_

_"You just wait and see, ass nugget. You wait and see."_


	3. Tip 2: Jigs n' Jams

_Tip 2: Jigs n' Jams_

Chicks dig music. Especially Justin Bieber. But if you tell her you listen to him, she'll either think you're gay, or she'll scream so loud that your eardrums will each have a stroke and die slowly, and painfully, and hold an eternal grudge against all that you are as you never hear the sweet audible chocolate that is her voice again.

Just saying.

The way to a girl's heart may be through Bieber tickets, but we can't all win four-thousand dollar eBay bids. This is why we have _other_ music, other music to help rescue the girl from the bottomless blackhole that is Bieber's stupid music and stupid hair flip and stupid face and stupid fake leather jacket. I hope he chokes on Peeps.

Anyway, stored in the inventory that is my vast knowledge of sexy music, I've compiled a playlist of music for romantic shenanigans. Romantic shenanigans include car rides, chillin', sharin' earbuds, holdin' hands walkin' through the park, and just overall settings that need _mood_ music. No one else in the universe knows this playlist. It's professional, top secret, hypnotizing, mesmerizing music, and to give it out is like setting a captive unicorn free. You should be thankful that you are even blessed enough for me to be giving you so much as a snippet of the playlist. It's like I'm giving you locks of magic unicorn hair.

First lock of unicorn hair:

1. _Tonight, Tonight _- Genesis

You gotta give the ladies their Genesis. Ain't nothin' say romance more than Phil Collins. When you need killer hooks and mad 80's drum beats, Collins is your man. Its sound echoes like an elegant animal call. When your lady hears this, she's going to _know_ what's going on tonight... tonight. Not one tonight, but two tonights. That is how you know it's legit.

It'll remind the lady of _Tarzan_. Phil Collins did bless that film with his musical genius and the voice is unmistakable. You know how well it worked out for Tarzan. You want to invite the lady to your jungle, don't you?

Speaking of jungles...

2. _Can You Feel the Love Tonight _- Elton John

If you're one of those guys going for the run-away-from-Pride-Rock, get-raised-by-a-warthog-and-a-meerkat, meet-your-childhood-soulmate-years-later-and-bone-in-the-jungle scenario, this is the song for you. It's tender, loving, and worked out great for Nala and Simba. Plus, it's sung by a man with flying saucers for glasses. It's flawless.

3. _The Ballad of Big Poppa and Diamond Girl - _Cobra Starship

Something a little more modern for those of you who aren't in favor of brilliant musicians who cater to your favorite Disney movies. If your lady is a little more "out there" and less "conformist," she may or may not hold a special place in her sexual desires for Gabe Saporta.

Have you ever been to a Cobra Starship concert? Saporta seems to have this fixation where his hand doesn't leave his crotch. He just tugs at it and lifts his shirt and sings for forty-five minutes, and the ladies cream their pants right in the crowd. I might have, too.

But you can't prove anything.

Another thing about this song is that it will probably make you seem cultural, and perhaps even bilingual. Not cultural in the way people dig Peruvian flute bands, no, fuck your shit, Craig. The song is littered with sweet Spanish nothings. Learn a thing or two from Saporta. Wear purple, touch yourself through your jeans and speak Spanish.

_"Te quiero tus zanahorias calientes." _That means, "I want your hot body." But I don't know if you're ready for that yet.

If you make it seem like you speak another language, you will be automatically sexy. That goes for any language.

Except for maybe, like, Welsh. Welsh is a vowelless birdcall.

4. _Since I've Been Loving You - _Led Zeppelin

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "What? What is this? Why not _Stairway to Heaven_?" Well, let me tell you something - FUCK _Stairway! _No one wants to hear _Stairway _during a makeout session. Unless you lived in the 80's but that's not what we're doing here. You can ask Led Zep, they don't want you listening to _Stairway_ when you make out, either. They'd probably prefer _Kashmir _but HEY! WHO IS WRITING THE GUIDE HERE? I AM, and if I say you listen to goddamn _Since I've Been Loving You, _you will, because this song is sexy as hell and I bet Chuck Norris wishes he lost his virginity to it.

He probably lost his virginity to the sound of the screams of the innocent, and bellowing elephants and cawing wild birds in the Amazon.

_Since I've Been Loving You _is on side A of the record _Led Zeppelin III. _My friend Kevin's dad has a vinyl copy of it and it is as sexy as the songs that occupy the surface.

It's eight minutes long and has been described as an orgasm of such length. And if that doesn't convince you, well, tough beans to you.

You've been thoroughly enlightened, I know, it may be too much to handle, but we are not finished yet. How are you supposed to know what _not_ to play for your lady? I've got an even bigger handful of those songs, so pay close attention, my students.

You don't want to seem desperate. If you play _I Touch Myself _by the Divinyls, chances are you _will_ spend the night with your right hand and a sock.

By the way, if there's anything I learned from Will Smith, it's that women relate dancing to sex. I wouldn't know much about sex, uh, that'll be in volume II of the guide, when the time comes, but I guess if I can cha-cha real smooth, maybe I can cha-cha real rough with her.

If you know what I mean.

Anyway. Perhaps it's not so much as songs you should avoid playing for her as there is this _one_ band that some ladies find objectifying.

Wait for it. Waaaait fooorrr iiittt...

The Bloodhound Gang.

Their album _Hooray For Boobies _is a piece of artwork in ways I cannot describe. However, blasting a song that chants, "I need to find a new vagina," probably won't please your lady unless she is a lesbian.

But if she is a lesbian, I encourage you to accept the challenge.

_The Bad Touch _is notorious for its line, "You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel." I, as a bro, _love_ this line with every fiber of my being, and the song is lyrical genius. All of the Bloodhound Gang's songs are genius.

Okay, students. Look at yourself. Now back to me. Now back at yourself, now back to me. Sadly, you aren't me. But if your name were Clyde and you listened to Bloodhound Gang, you could have your own song like me.

The lyrics to this particular song are a little more abstract, but there's nothing questionable about a song with the title _Right Turn Clyde._

I know, I know, hold your horses, ladies. I do have a song.

I deeply consider it to be my personal theme song. I would play it every time I walked into a room, if I could. It's just that, at the end, when the beautiful choir chants, "RIIIIIIIIGHT TUUUUUUUURRRRN CLYYYYYYYYYDE," I feel like God's favorite child.


	4. Tip 3: Clothes n' Class

_Tip 3: Clothes n' Class_

Woah, woah, woah, buddy. Keep your pants on. That's what they'll always tell you. _Keep _your _pants_ on! But, how are you supposed to keep your pants on, if you don't know what pants to keep on? Zebra-striped leggings? Rhinestone-encrusted rock star bell bottoms? Mickey Mouse pajama pants? Allow me to clarify.

Chicks dig skinny jeans. There's something about them that makes their gineys tickle, I think. It's because they hug your butt and girls like butts. I think. Yeah, they do. I learned that from Sir Mix-A-Lot, you know, that guy who's like I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE, YOU OTHA BROTHAS CAN'T DENY THAT WHEN A GIRL WALKS IN WITH A ITTY BITTY WAIST WITH A ROUND THING IN YOUR FACE YOU GET

_SPRUNG!_

And, you know the rest. Well, I hope so, because I don't.

Butts are popular among everyone. So, I highly suggest you get some skinny jeans that are TWO SIZES TOO SMALL. TWO SIZES! One is not enough and three is going to make you lose circulation in your balls and you'll definitely get cancer. And, well, who wants cancer in their balls.

One time, I got a pair of skinny jeans that were two sizes too small but the brand ran small _anyway_ so I nearly lost my nuts. I had mad muffin top and I couldn't really walk without looking like someone stuck a small animal between my legs, which I _really _do not recommend doing. I also couldn't sit. My thunder thighs turned into like, lightning thighs because if they had ripped, there would have been quite the flash.

Haha, get it.

That day, I had to walk around in my gym shorts after PE and my legs are kinda hairy and that's actually a trait that I _don't _know whether or not girls find attractive.

I don't know. They keep me warm on cold, lonesome weekend nights.

Anyway, now that you have your two-sizes-too-small skinny jeans, it's time to put on a shirt. You can't really go wrong with a white T-shirt, except you can because when you spend a lot of your life eating fast food, it starts to show. I'd much rather eat a Big Mac than wear it. If you want a plain T-shirt, go black. It's sleek and sexy, kinda like a new iPad, you know what I mean?

Considering you go plain, it's always nice to spice it up a little, maybe with like, one of those gold chains that badass Italians wear. Bling bling, bitch. Or maybe like, some Colombian pride beads. Even if you're not Colombian.

However (that's a transition word I learned from my English teacher), dress shirts have been known to make ladies cream themselves. Something sorta tight to excen... exit... eccentric... accu... _accentuate_ your muscle, assuming you have some. It's classy. Do it. You will get positive feedback. Maybe even roll up your sleeves and show off your pipes.

Some chicks call me fat but I know they don't mean it. I'm just beefy. I'm thick with love.

Anyhoo. You have pants on, and a shirt. And hopefully underwear but I shouldn't have to tell you that.

By the way, secret is, don't wear your pants low. Chicks think it looks stupid. The only business you have doing that is if your boxers are awesome, like, if they had dinosaurs or squids or pink elephants or rockets on them or something. Craig has rocket boxers. I watched him sleep in them once. And he looked like a man who was going places. Except he was sleeping. Had he been awake, he'd be going places.

Now we work on your shoes.

I am the heir of a mall shoestore. Do _not_ doubt anything I am about to tell you.

Ladies tell a _lot _about a man by his shoes. If you wear, say, ratty black boots that you found at the end of a fishing pole in a swamp in July, she will think you are poor, and you probably are. They're probably stanky too, and squeaky like in that episode of Spongebob. Nothing about this is good.

If you have mediocre plain shoes, she'll find you fair. Not excellent, but fair. It's hard to get between the extremes, so let me tell you what the hell to wear.

Converse, Vans, Nikes. Anything with color, your babe will get on the floor and kiss your shoes. My cousin had a pair of Batman Converse and he never took them off. They were pretty stinky. Don't do that.

Converse just give off an aura of chillness, like you're the kind of guy that kicks around rocks while he walks and leans down to tie his shoes a lot. Or whatever it is you do will look cooler in those shoes.

Vans, namely checkered ones, have a skater vibe. They'll probably make you seem like you say "dude" a lot and play Guitar Hero. And you probably do.

Nikes are more sporty, you probably run in them a lot and play basketball and polish them nightly.

Take your pick. I don't recommend Keds or anything from like, K-Mart. Or Walmart. Or anything that isn't my dad's shoestore, located in the west JCPenney wing of the South Park mall, next to Lenscrafters. Shoes are on a buy two pairs, get one half-off sale. Socks are just $1.99 with a purchase of a ladies' handbag.


	5. Tip 4: Mystery n' Mayhem

_Tip 4: Mystery n' Mayhem_

Okay, so you know how like, I _just _mentioned chicks really like dudes in tight pants? The way they hug your butt and hips and whatever? Well, it's all relative. Think about it. For real. What wears tight clothes and gets chicks? Looks hot and has charisma and something to _fight_ for?

Superheroes.

Seriously, did you ever see a superhero movie where the hero doesn't get the girl, regardless of whether or not he and the girl had chemistry or remote interest in each other whatsoever? It's like a requirement. Before the members of the Justice League were the members of the Justice League, they probably had to sign a contract that said, "_By joining this league you hereby agree that you will have a love storyline with someone you may or may not like. This is just to guarantee, __**you will get laid. **__And you'll bring justice to the world. Whichever comes first."_

Spider-Man may have had some issues, because all he got in the first movie was an unforgettable upside-down kiss, then Mary-Jane almost got married in the second movie like the bitch that she is, but then she suddenly changed her mind and was a slow-motion runaway bride and showed up in Peter Parker's doorway _uninvited _and Peter was like, "awwww yeeeeaaahhh," and considering the third movie doesn't exist, he got the girl within the last three seconds.

You don't want a chick like Lois Lane, though. What kind of girlfriend would she be if she didn't recognize you when you took your glasses off. Honestly. What a bimbo.

It's all up to you, though. It really depends on what kind of superhero you are. And the kinds I suggest, the ones ladies find delicious and sexy and juicy or whatever they say, are the kinds of Batman nature. Mysterious. Dark. Brooding. Angry. Not to mention rich.

Look at Mysterion. That guy's got a sweet costume. Underwear on the outside is suggestive, but optional. He's there one second, and gone the next. He speaks in a deep, gravely voice and he takes his job seriously. And Ken - I mean, Mysterion is a chick magnet. I would know, we - I mean, my _friend_ worked with him at one point.

My super cool friend Mosquito was on a superhero league with Mysterion. I'm sure you've heard of Mosquito. Everyone's heard of him.

Mosquito's taught me a thing or two about being a real hero. Being a real hero can even mean helping in small ways. Or wooing in small ways. He told me, "When pursuing a chick as a superhero, be cautious; you don't want to seem too interested in her, but make sure she knows you care about her safety. Or you could just be coming off as a creeper. Cover blown if she calls the cops, bzz. One or two lemon bars never hurt anyone."

Mosquito's got a dark past. It's deep and movie-esque, which is what makes him so cool and interesting, and chicks like cool and interesting. Having a secret makes you feel important, too, like someone's on your case and you've gotta work to hide something. Mosquito just told me everything about him because we're bros and he trusts me and he thinks I'm super awesome.

I'm only telling you because it's for the greater good of the guide. Don't tell Mosquito.

Mosquito was born in, um... Africa, because his parents were researchers or something and they were in Africa studying rare insects. He spent the first few years of his life in a makeshift beach hut that his parents made. When his parents were off doing their thang, he would explore the jungles, making friends with like lemurs and stuff. He would go back to his parents' camp particularly itchy, but he brushed it off because he thought it was just allergies.

Then, his parents were done with their studies and they moved back to America - a difficult adjustment for the lowly soon-to-be superhero.

Then, at the mere age of nine years old, here it is - here's the good part - he was bitten by a radioactive mosquito that stowed away on the plane, causing a mass allergic reaction throughout his entire body. And it really itched like a bitch, let me tell you - I mean, that's what he told me.

He blacked out in his bedroom. He slept for, um... a really long friggin' time and he had weird dreams about being a mosquito, flying and biting people and feeling bloodthirsty. Like he _needed_ to take blood. He _needed _to fly.

He _needed..._

... to bring...

_Justice._

When he awoke, he didn't feel like himself. You know, like that scene in the first Spider-Man movie, when he looked in the mirror and he was all buff suddenly? It was just like that. He was buff and he could fly, even. Then he had a super sleek costume design montage. He's a good artist, too, let me tell you. Danny Elfman did his soundtrack and everything.

Then he joined Coon and Friends, except the Coon was being a dick so we - I mean, they kicked him out of the group but it was still called Coon and Friends because Mysterion thought it was funny. And it really was funny. I mean, Mosquito thought it was, so I can only agree.

Everything was just up and downhill from there, but let me tell you something else Mosquito told me - make sure you really, _really _like a chick before you make the commitment on revealing your secret identity. She may or may not work for your arch-nemesis. She could also spray you with bug repellent and you do not want that shit in your eyes.

And guys, if the superhero life seems too high maintenance for you, try becoming a lifeguard. It's kinda the same thing except you're always wet and shirtless and you have vanilla ice cream on your nose. You could also be a policeman. Or a fireman. You'll look good in uniform.

Just, if you're the hero, you'll always get the girl.

At least that's what Mosquito tells me.


	6. Tip 5: Chivalry n' Cheese Doodles

_Tip 5: Chivalry n' Cheese Doodles_

I couldn't think of a relevant word that began with the same letters as 'chivalry,' so I went with the ever classic 'cheese doodles,' but I'll make it relevant. It would probably be quite chivalrous to wash the orange cheese-pixie dust off your fingers before holding hands with a lady. Yes, _wash_ it off, don't suck it off, unless she's into that sort of thing.

If you're eating cheese doodles in her presence, offer her some. Always off your lady some junk food, because you don't want her taking any monstrous emotions out on you, so she'll eat her troubles away. Either that or she'll be like, "oh, I'm on a diet," but then she'll be like, "well, maybe just one." But even if she doesn't want cheese doodles, she'll be royally pissed if you ate them all. Always save her cheese doodles.

Anyway, basic chivalry. If you don't know how to be polite to a lady, you are. Not. Getting. Anywhere.

Example: Craig is a butthole. Reason? All day, every day, walking through the hallways and stairwells of school, opening doors and slamming them behind him like he just had a fight with it, and won. If it's not me who's following behind him like a good bro, there's always an innocent girl on her way to class, getting a door slammed in her face for no reason! I always gotta be the savior, just holding the doors for every damn person that walks by, having to apologize for Craig's buttholery. And everyone loves me for that, let me tell you. I stop for no one. Except for Cartman, he can hold his old damn door.

As you can probably see, chivalry doesn't count just for girls. This is where the "and maybe dudes" part comes in. Being nice to ladies doesn't mean you have to leave out your bros. Then you'd just look like a judgmental player and you're not nice to things you're not attracted to. Come on, guys, that's weak. Hold the door for your bro. Craig. _Craig._

(Maybe Craig isn't attracted to anything. That's a sensible conclusion to his problem. I would say that maybe he's gay but he doesn't hold doors for guys either. But if he was gay, I wouldn't have a problem with that. Just saying. That's what bros do. I'm sorry for calling you a butthole, man.)

Another nice thing you can do is pulling out chairs for your lady/bro to sit down. More so for ladies, though. Your bro will probably be like, "hey, man, I can pull out my own chair," and you'll be like, "fuck you, man, I'm a nice guy." Wow, that was only the third F-bomb in the entire guide. I think I'm doing well. Anyway, an extremely douchebaggish thing to do is to pull the chair farther out as they're sitting down so they fall on their ass. I swear to balls, if you do that to _anyone_, lady or bro, you get a goddamn demerit _personally _from Mr. Clyde Donovan, along with a one-way ticket to Hell. Yeah, it's that easy. Maybe you'll only be staying in the first layer of the inferno, but it's the inferno and you don't want to be in any layer of it just for pulling a chair out too far. It hurts the victim's buttbone, it hurts their _feelings, _and everyone is going to see you as a giant douchebag. If I had to choose any _one _singletip for you to follow in this entire guide, it's this. Especially coming from me. I have not had good times with my ass throughout my life. Not at all.

(_See: colostomy, age 5. Unwanted sexual shenanigans in a closet, age 9.)_

Other chivalrous acts include, like, when you're walking down the street and there's a giant puddle that would be inconvenient to just walk around, so you put your jacket there so she steps on it and doesn't mess up the new shoes you just got her from your dad's shoestore.

You could also walk with her on the inside of the sidewalk, so you're the first one to get hit with an out-of-control vehicle, should it happen. It's not really guaranteed that you'll protect her, because chances are, you're both going down if that happens.

Referring to the tip a paragraph back, considering it's raining, _you _hold the umbrella, man, considering it's big enough for the both of you. Plus, it's mad cute. And you can sing Rihanna to her. Can't go wrong, I'm telling you.

If you run into your bro somewhere in public, introduce your babe if he doesn't know her. But if you're in South Park, chances are your bro knows plenty about her already. But you know, just in case. Just be like, "hey, man, this is (insert lady name here)." And if your bro's a good bro, he'll be like, "hi, I'm (insert bro name here)." But if he's Craig, he'll be like, "yeah, whatever, where the fuck is my GameCube memory card, you said you'd give it back, fuckhead." And then you'll be embarrassed and look irresponsible, but Craig is the one being a douchebag anyway. Then again, yeah, he makes you look good, because you could be like, "please, my good fellow, there is no reason to call names. I saw your mother on the way to the convenience store, and I left it with her, so you should find it in your room when you go home. Lovely lady, she is." And don't forget to make a British accent.

And for the record, if you're outside and a lady tells you she's cold, and you have a jacket, and she doesn't, don't give it to her because she should have brought her own jacket, anyway.

(But trust me on the cheese doodles.)


	7. Tip 6: Honeys n' Hair

_Tip 6: Honeys n' Hair_

I don't know if many of you realize this - but your hair is the first thing a chick will notice about you. First thing. They don't go like, "Oh, yeah, it's that guy with the freckle next to his ear," or, "that guy with the funky front teeth," unless your front teeth are so funky that they distract from your hair, you should probably fix that (Craig). It's always like, that guy with the blond hair, that guy with the fluffy hair, the retro hair, the mullet, no hair, whatever. If you're bald, you can skip this chapter. And you can only pull off being bald if you're Bruce Willis. So if you're Bruce Willis, you can skip this chapter. But if you're Bruce Willis, I don't know why you would need help picking up chicks. If you're not Bruce Willis and you're bald you should probably consider sitting in a corner and waiting until your hair grows back so you can leave the house again.

Before I get started on the real hair tips for you guys, allow me to mention a few inspirational figures of hair in history:

_1. Elvis Presley_

All the hair that has ever existed came from his hair. We are his hair children. And our children will be his hair grandchildren. When he died, his hair particles nestled themselves into the earth and became part of the Circle of Life. He is our Mufasa. Next time you comb your hair, look in the sky. It's Elvis.

When he was performing, ladies didn't even have to throw their bras and panties on stage. His hair was like a magnet for that shit. He would just, like, be chillin' all like, "well SINCE MAH BABEH LEFT ME, well I FOUND a new place to DWELL, well it's down at the end of LONELY STREET AT heartBREAK hoTEL... well I'll be so LONELEH, BABEH I'll be so LONELEH, I'll be so LONELEH I could DIIIIEEE..." And all the chicks are like, "woOoOoOoOoO!" as their undergarments whizz off their bodies and onto Elvis' big hair. It's big because it's full of secrets. And then I don't know when Elvis is talking about, about being lonely, because he has all these panties now.

I was watching a video of Elvis performing _Heartbreak Hotel _and it was in this neat sepia filter. I guess in 1956, that was the only filter. But the screaming fangirls sounded exactly the same as today's screaming fangirls. I don't know what it is, I was assuming there might have been some period of evolution, maybe they'd develop more animal calls or sexy mating calls or, well, I don't know. Maybe the girls aren't actually there, like those canned laughs on sitcoms. They have canned girl screams. That's creepy. You think some guys get off to that?

_2. Superman_

Fact: The source of Superman's powers is his hair. Have you seen that shit? It never gets messed up. I know I said before that Lois Lane was a bimbo, because she is, but Superman's hair is like, unreal. He goes around whooping ass and saving lives and his hair is _still _fantastic. He has a supercurl. It just falls over his forehead, like a little wispy hook of justice. It also looks like he uses some punk-ass Kryptonian hair paste that probably smells divine.

I don't know if you could ever achieve his level of superhair, though. That shit deflects bullets, saves lives. Laser vision. _In _the hair. I don't know what that's called, because his hair can't see. Well, it probably can. He probably has an extra set of eyes in his superhair that can detect when dudes _don't _have cool hair, and then he saves them by giving them a sample of KryptoGel. Do you think I could market that? KryptoGel? Imagine the commercial. The slogan would be like, "_KryptoGel. Because chicks dig justice." _And it would just be a shot of all these girls surrounding me, caressing my hot bod and my hot superhair. I'm also in a Superman costume.

Anyway. I hope you aspire to be as perfect as those men. But not even I can live up to the Founding Fathers of Fabulous.

As for you: I've said this earlier in the guide, I know it, but LISTEN TO ME, OKAY, CHICKS DIG THE LONG HAIR. I don't wanna hear your complaints. Go get a buzzcut. I dare you. See how many ladies there will be at your doorstep. Oh, wait, I just checked. Zero. Sit in the corner and grow it out. You need to flip it. You need to tame it. You need to give them something to hold onto.

Have you seen the latest Ken doll? I'm talking Barbie here. Remember the old Ken? Short, sleek brown hair? Kinda gay? Ascot? Well, now he's Ellen DeGeneres. Flippy blond. That's what girls like nowadays. Don't think Justin Bieber. You know how I feel about Justin Bieber. Everyone wants to be Ellen. But not all of us are blond, so we have other options to turn to.

_Tip 1 or A or something: _Wash your hair all the time, bros. You don't wanna be "the guy with the greasy hair" because that's nasty. You might wanna go for that Old Spice or something, but trust me. Don't be afraid to use a little of that fruity shit. I was out of the manstuff once and I had to use my mom's Garnier Fructis. My hair was like, this voluminous fluff of love. And it smelled swell.

_Tip 2 or B or something: _Um. I didn't exactly plan out these tips very well, so I'm going to get right to the point - shave your balls. Girls like shaved balls. But don't shave too hard. Then it's R.I.P. Balls. And R.I.P. your future babies. What did I say about carrying on the legacy of Elvis Presley? Don't fuck up the Circle of Life by killing your balls. Shave them like you're shaving a balloon. A balloon full of unborn babies.

_Tip 3 or C or something: _Sometimes we get some crazy ideas and we want to dye our hair. Understandable. Once, I got my hair dyed without even knowing it. That's what frosting is. You think frosting goes on cake, but there's a whole new world, let me tell you. This one time I went to get a haircut because my hair was _too _shaggy, I was like Cousin It, okay. And then they told me that "frosting was half-off" and I was like, "_Oh, I like cake frosting, and I like cheap cake frosting_,"so what I said was, "yeah, let's do dat." And then we did dat and they started painting my hair. Painting it! I was like, "woah, gurl, what are you doin' to my hair." And she was like, "frosting it." _I _was the cake! I didn't even know it. So when the job was done, the ends of my hair were way blonder than before. And I looked hot. I strongly recommend frosting. Not only on your hair, but on your cake. If you have a plain cake you are a plain guy and you are not getting places.

Moral of the story is: be good to your honey, be good to your hair. Yeah.


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